This game... is not exactly ideal circumstances. Or normal, by any means.
[Shadow sits on the edge of the bed, looking down]
I tried to blow up the planet. I succeeded in blowing up the moon and flooding several coastal cities. The people back home... they still forgave me. Even though I didn't deserve it -- how could anything I do, even saving the world, make up for it?
[he looks up at the ceiling]
I still don't have the answers. I don't know if I ever will. But I don't think you'd ever kill anyone were it not for the construct of this game.
Would you forgive me? Do you think Sherlock would forgive me?
[He stares down at the hand resting on Terios's head. He swears he can see the blood that isn't really there.]
If I live through this, will I ever recover? I've never felt like this before, I don't even recognize myself anymore. I've dissociated thinking about how I'm just an instance of 6350, usually only for a few minutes but once for over an hour. This on top of it? I'm afraid I'm losing my mind.
... Dissociate? Like having an out of body experience? Or unreality? [he pauses] I don't believe that being from a "fictional" universe makes us fake. One day.... One day I'm going to find a world where the Foundation is fictional.
Derealization, I suppose... like this is all just a dream, that I'm a real person in a cell at Resurgam, dreaming about murders and the Foundation. There's an actual diagnosis of derealization/depersonalization disorder in the DSM-5, it's a neurosis. It's... I guess I'm just having difficulty processing the fact that someone created me specifically to suffer repeated traumas.
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(no subject)
29/4/19 03:11 (UTC)[Shadow sits on the edge of the bed, looking down]
I tried to blow up the planet. I succeeded in blowing up the moon and flooding several coastal cities. The people back home... they still forgave me. Even though I didn't deserve it -- how could anything I do, even saving the world, make up for it?
[he looks up at the ceiling]
I still don't have the answers. I don't know if I ever will. But I don't think you'd ever kill anyone were it not for the construct of this game.
(no subject)
29/4/19 04:27 (UTC)[He stares down at the hand resting on Terios's head. He swears he can see the blood that isn't really there.]
If I live through this, will I ever recover? I've never felt like this before, I don't even recognize myself anymore. I've dissociated thinking about how I'm just an instance of 6350, usually only for a few minutes but once for over an hour. This on top of it? I'm afraid I'm losing my mind.
(no subject)
30/4/19 04:43 (UTC)[though that does a concern for Shadow]
... Dissociate? Like having an out of body experience? Or unreality? [he pauses] I don't believe that being from a "fictional" universe makes us fake. One day.... One day I'm going to find a world where the Foundation is fictional.
(no subject)
30/4/19 05:04 (UTC)[Yeah, that's kind of a kick in the ass.]